mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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