You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
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he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
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When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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