even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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