Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
