Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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