i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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