the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
