Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
