I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
