"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
