She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".