I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.