Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
