You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
