Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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