I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
