I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
