I wish I could punch you in the face.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
