I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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