ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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