im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
