we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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