Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
