I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
