Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
