I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
