I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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