I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
is that a dick in a sweater?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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