The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
