I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
