1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
