the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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