How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
