Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
