I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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