Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
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God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad