ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
