i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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