i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
