Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
