i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
