Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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