I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
