First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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