You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
