How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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