i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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