Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
