I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i love accidental penises.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So many bounce houses so little time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
