that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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