I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
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i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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