I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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