I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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