Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
