Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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