i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
